You know what I'm sick of? The sound of my own voice, whining. A number of work-related nonsenses have just dragged on and on and on and on and on over the last year, and I have tried pretty much everything in my power (a sadly limited range of options) to change them. And there hasn't really been a lot of change. This makes me sad, because I love my job, at least I used to. And just like stepping on a rake, it occurs me how very very closely this parallels a completely unrelated scenario I have been giving advice about. Oh, Nicole. How do they say among my people? Duh.
And here's my stellar advice: I can take a deep breath (realistically, probably a lot of them), realize it's out of my hands, and try to figure out whether I can develop a sense of joy about this job the way it is. Not the way I wish it was. Not the way it would be if certain other people fell on their heads and/or received miraculous personality transplants. But in the current circumstances, can I reconnect to the sense of fun and purpose I want to have in my life?
If yes, I've solved my problem. If no, I can look for another job. I can also hang around pretending to be powerless for another year, but having put it that way to myself, my friends, and the entire internet, it doesn't sound like a very good choice. And I did kind of promise myself (remember being nineteen and arrogant, A.? We were smart back then) that my life was not going to be just something that happened to me.
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6 comments:
Shitty, it'd suck if you left, but if that's what you need for your sanity then you gotta do it. Accepting that you are largely powerless to influence the exact circumstances of your job or other aspects of your life is particularly difficult in North America due to the popularly held assumption that there are limitless possibilities available to anyone who works hard enough for them. This misconception about human agency within a larger system is the opiate of the capitalist governmental/economic complex. If society is convinced that the actions of the individual are absolutely relevant to social or economic standing, then the true power relations are obscured from view. The reality is that aside from armed revolt, we have barely more freedom to influence our lives than Medieval peasants did. We just have shinier toys.
So, can I sign you up for the Revolution?
Well, I really don't want to leave. So I'm gonna try the other thing first. I'm just really tired of a) being unhappy about it and b) listening to myself talk about being unhappy about it. It's interesting though that when I saw someone had commented on this, my stomach kinda sank, like "shit, somebody read it and now it's really like I've said it out loud." And dude, about the revolution--I'll pencil it in.
I think there's other jobs out there that you would be fabulous at & you'd get a lot more back from. However, I see your need to try it your way and I dig that, daddio.
I think I was signed up pre-natally for the revolution...I'll have to ask my dad.
Hehehe, sorry I made you say it out loud lol.
I remember being 19 and arrogant. I could go on about choice and agency and whatnot, but the older we get the more beholden we are to people and our choices, like rocks thrown into the water seem to get bigger as the lake gets smaller. What I find works for me, when almost everything else isn't, is to pause, realize one beautiful thing to be grateful for and just let it fill me up, if only for a few moments. Usually its something naturific (which is weird for a city boy) and I'm not always open to the moment, but it has swung my entire mood/outlook/day/around more than once.
'Course, thats more like a safety valve thing when life seems to be conspiring against me all at once. Its not an effective solution for grinding against a machine that keeps rewarding the monkeys flinging poo at you with more bananas.
I think you're right about being more beholden to other people as we get older, especially as we decide to be more beholden to people by doing things like becoming parents or starting businesses or...well, anyway. I just think it's important to remember that we do choose. Even when (I wish I could remember who said this first) it's principally a choice of attitude.
What works for me, when I can hang onto it, is to remember that I'm only here to love people. That's what I'm made for. (Please note that this is not prescriptive: you may be here for something quite different.) If I can keep doing that while I do whatever else it is I'm in the middle of, I tend to feel pretty good about it.
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