I was always brave and kind of righteous/ now I find I'm wavering...

Sigh.

Maybe it's just the long, long, long string of days with little to no sunlight. Maybe it's the realizing that there were a few key things that I thought were going pretty well which it turns out I have Seriously Fucked Up. Maybe it's the being sick. Maybe I'm just gonna live a very long time and it's my quarterlife crisis. (That's great, eh? We extend the human lifespan and it just provides more opportunities for freakout. And the first one of you to give me that bullshit proverb about the character for "crisis" and the character for "opportunity" being the same in Chinese gets a withering glare and a chocolate bar. What can I say? I have ambivalence.)

I have ambivalence. I have ambivalence, in fact, about so many things that I find myself looking forward to things I hate because at least then I know.

This is the thing, I suppose, about having a comprehensive worldview. When it takes a nosedive, it tends to do so comprehensively. I'm babbling. Look, the crux of it is that everything I'm doing now is about sticking with something--my marriage, my job, my friendships. And I certainly don't mean to imply that there's anything bad about those things; in fact, the opposite. I have found a life that holds deep value for me, things I want to stick with. What I am coming to realize, though, is that I have very few sticking with it skills. I can look back over my life, and see that every five or six years I throw everything in the air and shoot it full of holes. I have several very, very patient friends who have got the knack of waiting for everything to land again and then telephoning. I am very, very lucky in this regard. But what do you do when you have a life you're not interested in throwing away?

In my case, sit and have a good long look at the things I ought to have done differently if I wasn't going to scrap the lot. And think about that. Perhaps a bit too much.

I promise I'll stop moaning and carrying on soon--it's going to be spring eventually, right? Stupid January.